Reflection and Projection

I have always failed miserably at celebrating the New Year’s holiday in a proper fashion. Last night was no exception; I climbed into bed at 10:30pm mountain standard time, read for a short while  and was asleep before 11:30. I justified the early to bed New Year’s eve by telling myself the ball had already dropped in Times Square – the climax of the Dick Clark New Year’s special – and that I had watched fireworks fill the sky over Sydney’s famed opera house on CNN.com hours before. What more was there to wait up for?

So here it is, 2009. I have no New Year’s resolutions to pursue, no remains from a party to clean, and no hangover to nurse. I got up this morning and tended to the pets then finished washing the stack of dishes I had given up on last night. One might say the year slipped by me unnoticed. I disagree. I am a firm believer that the human mind can settle into the past or future and miss the moment of life one is living all too easily. Therefore,  364 days out of the year I strive to be present focused; to live mindfully in the moment. Yesterday, I took a break from the present and took stock of the past and looked toward the future and today I feel a bit more reset on my path through life.

While I may not have stayed up to watch the clock pass from the last minute of 2008 to the first minute of 2009, I did commemorate the passing of time in my own way.  I took some time on Dec. 31, 2008 to reflect on the ending year – the challenges, the suprises, the happy moments – and of course, I dabbled in some day dreaming of hopes and expectations for 2009. I decided 2008 had been a calmer year than its recent predecessors- less life changes, more answers to the question marks even a solid plan in life leaves in its wake. Sadly there seemed to be fewer adventures this year than last, as money and time were tighter than usual. And yet in their place was a clearer picture of stability and serenity and more adventures in the not so distant future. I made my annual list of personal criticisms and goals for self-change. On that great scale of immaterial have and have nots, I weighed in heavily on the haves.  I marked the landmark events that I have to anticipate in 2009 in red pen on the calendar. And of course, I anxiously await the unknowns of what 2009 will hold and how it will shape my ever-changing plans in life.

For me, the New Year’s holiday is a time to examine the past and revisit goals for the future. I look at myself as a token piece on a board game. I examine the path I’m on and know this a chance to exchange the cards in my hand, to review my strategy, to pick up my piece and move to a different path if I choose. And then I acknowledge the luck of the draw and the chances that come with rolling the dice.

 

Holiday Jitters

My symptoms started shortly before Thanksgiving and have been gaining strength ever since. It started with a seemingly innocent bowl of Hershey’s kisses in our office. As the kisses began to dwindle, more sweets filled the bowl in their place. Then of course there was the fateful Thanksgiving dinner, which for my family included 4 pies and a batch of persimmon pudding distributed among eight people! Over the three weeks since Thanksgiving, my work place has been in constant supply of fresh, home-made goodies either displayed on our secretary’s desk for the taking or sitting in my box concealed in tidy little packages with notes of holiday cheer and nothing but a flimsy ribbon separating me from the treats within. Alas, it is the holiday season and I am running on sugar and trying not to crash.

A month-long sugar rush in and of itself is survivable with few side-effects. There have been years when I have experienced and truly enjoyed the holidays in a sugar-induced hypo-manic state. However, the confounding effect of the chaos of the holiday season, the end-of-the-year rush, and my propensity of anxiety makes for a jittery holiday season this year. So why don’t I stop eating the sweets you might say – and I agree it would be a wise thing to do. However, I have been roped into sugar at a biological level.

If I go several hours without a bit of something sweet, my blood sugar crashes and on comes the light headedness, fuzzy thinking, weakness in my limbs, and general irritability. So I eat the foil-wrapped chocolate nugget, the cookie, the slice of egg nog bread, the fudge, and I feel an instant buzz through my veins. My thoughts speed up and race ahead causing me to get lost in whatever I am trying to focus on in the moment. My heart pounds and my startle response becomes easily triggered leading me to believe I should be worried about something. And of course, there is plenty to worry over during the holidays; there’s shopping for presents, sending out cards, making food, criticizing myself for eating too much food, traveling, end of the year duties at work, making sweets for work…the list goes on.

And so here I sit – my right leg bobbing like a sewing machine needle and a cup of hot coco nearby – trying to focus on wrapping up this ramble. Of course, this jittery feeling isn’t just about worrying. As a child I remember being wound up for weeks on candy-canes and the excitement of Christmas. The sugar fueled my anticipation of a day when I got to stay in my pajamas, eat my favorite foods and get new toys then travel to my grandparents’ house for more presents and fun with my cousins. I still feel that anticipatory energy flowing through me and building as each sweet week passes between Thanksgiving and Christmas. This time of year is a time of self-indulgence and sharing with others; and sugary treats have become a tried and true means for both. Thus, my sweet holiday jitters are fueled  not just by worries but by the excited anticipation of visiting with family, exchanging gifts, welcomed time off from work, days of lounging around in my PJs, and bundling up to play in the snow.