Holiday Jitters

My symptoms started shortly before Thanksgiving and have been gaining strength ever since. It started with a seemingly innocent bowl of Hershey’s kisses in our office. As the kisses began to dwindle, more sweets filled the bowl in their place. Then of course there was the fateful Thanksgiving dinner, which for my family included 4 pies and a batch of persimmon pudding distributed among eight people! Over the three weeks since Thanksgiving, my work place has been in constant supply of fresh, home-made goodies either displayed on our secretary’s desk for the taking or sitting in my box concealed in tidy little packages with notes of holiday cheer and nothing but a flimsy ribbon separating me from the treats within. Alas, it is the holiday season and I am running on sugar and trying not to crash.

A month-long sugar rush in and of itself is survivable with few side-effects. There have been years when I have experienced and truly enjoyed the holidays in a sugar-induced hypo-manic state. However, the confounding effect of the chaos of the holiday season, the end-of-the-year rush, and my propensity of anxiety makes for a jittery holiday season this year. So why don’t I stop eating the sweets you might say – and I agree it would be a wise thing to do. However, I have been roped into sugar at a biological level.

If I go several hours without a bit of something sweet, my blood sugar crashes and on comes the light headedness, fuzzy thinking, weakness in my limbs, and general irritability. So I eat the foil-wrapped chocolate nugget, the cookie, the slice of egg nog bread, the fudge, and I feel an instant buzz through my veins. My thoughts speed up and race ahead causing me to get lost in whatever I am trying to focus on in the moment. My heart pounds and my startle response becomes easily triggered leading me to believe I should be worried about something. And of course, there is plenty to worry over during the holidays; there’s shopping for presents, sending out cards, making food, criticizing myself for eating too much food, traveling, end of the year duties at work, making sweets for work…the list goes on.

And so here I sit – my right leg bobbing like a sewing machine needle and a cup of hot coco nearby – trying to focus on wrapping up this ramble. Of course, this jittery feeling isn’t just about worrying. As a child I remember being wound up for weeks on candy-canes and the excitement of Christmas. The sugar fueled my anticipation of a day when I got to stay in my pajamas, eat my favorite foods and get new toys then travel to my grandparents’ house for more presents and fun with my cousins. I still feel that anticipatory energy flowing through me and building as each sweet week passes between Thanksgiving and Christmas. This time of year is a time of self-indulgence and sharing with others; and sugary treats have become a tried and true means for both. Thus, my sweet holiday jitters are fueled  not just by worries but by the excited anticipation of visiting with family, exchanging gifts, welcomed time off from work, days of lounging around in my PJs, and bundling up to play in the snow.

 

The best things go first

If we make time in our busy schedules to enjoy ourselves . . .

This sentence can end one of two ways (1) rationally: If we make time in our busy schedules to enjoy ourselves we will feel more energized, relaxed, and ultimately be more productive and content. (2) the catch-22: If we make time in our busy schedules to enjoy ourselves we feel guilty for not attending to “more important things” and worry that we won’t have enough time to get things done.

Since my husband and I moved to town three months ago I have found many justifications for my lack of getting out to explore the plethora of surrounding mountain peaks, passes, and valleys. Namely that I’ve busied myself with as much work as the company I am a “causal worker” for could offer or when not working, I’ve been overwhelmed with self-imposed guilt for working less than part time. That is not to say that I have been wasting my work-free time.  This June my husband and I relocated from several hundred miles away, so I spent a good month making our rental property feel like home and then figuring out where I’d put various odds and ends in the fluster of unpacking. Then there were the daily tasks – such as banking, washing the dog, calling customer service lines and waiting on hold, registering vehicles, changing and washing bed linens – that usually make up a never-ending to do list; only I had time to get them them done. Which reminds me of an interesting article I came across on CNN.com about a growing trend of stay-at-home wives (not moms). After having the chance to take care of all the errands, phone calls, house maintenance, and even cooking good, complete meals without the added demands of a job, I can agree with the couples interviewed in the article that my being home took a layer stress off of the marital relationship. Evenings were a time to unwind not take care of household business. However, I happen to be one of those individuals whose productivity increases in direct proportion to the demands placed upon me. In other words, working is good for me. Staying home is not. I found that as items got crossed of my to-do list (which never ended), my wish-list of places to hike and bike grew with little accomplished. It didn’t take long before leaving the house to do anything for myself seemed unreasonable, selfish even. I mean, if I didn’t have full-time job should I really be allowed to go wondering into the mountains for a day of bliss?

I plunged into a state of tunnel vision, fixated on the stress of unsteady employment; blocking out the fact that the bills were getting paid, my husband kept saying I should get out and enjoy my time, that I’m still in grad school and will soon be working for 30 hours a week as an unpaid intern and won’t have free time to fret about. Yes, all of these sparkling details failed to enter my mind. Instead my summer explorations sunk into a pool of dismal, listless thoughts.

Why is it that people tend to give up what they enjoy most, the things they find solace in, the things they call fun, when stress strikes? Studies show time and time again that indulging in the little things that bring you joy is one of the best ways to counter stress and depression. In fact, a popular homework assignment given to clients in cognitive behavioral therapy is called “pleasant events scheduling.” There is no secret to it; this highly effective therapeutic treatment boils down to taking time to do something enjoyable which can range from taking a hot bath to allowing yourself 30 minutes of reading the newspaper while still in your pajamas on a Sunday morning. Yet people pay big-bucks to therapists for such a prescription. After all, if they have to have fun in the name of therapy it’s okay, right?

So here I am, nearing the end of my ramble with biting sarcasm and faced with a sobering question: why have I allowed my justifications, fears, and stress to take over my fun and perpetuate negativity? I’m a therapist, I should know better!

The good news: I couldn’t come up with an answer to the above question, so after staring at the screen for several minutes trying figure out how to end this post, I hit “save,” closed my laptop and picked up my hiking guide to the San Juans.

Keep a checking in, I should have pictures (and commentary of course) to post after my hike tomorrow.

P.S. Went for a lovely bike ride this evening on a trail I hadn’t been on before. 30 minutes of fun for myself.