Reflection and Projection

I have always failed miserably at celebrating the New Year’s holiday in a proper fashion. Last night was no exception; I climbed into bed at 10:30pm mountain standard time, read for a short while  and was asleep before 11:30. I justified the early to bed New Year’s eve by telling myself the ball had already dropped in Times Square – the climax of the Dick Clark New Year’s special – and that I had watched fireworks fill the sky over Sydney’s famed opera house on CNN.com hours before. What more was there to wait up for?

So here it is, 2009. I have no New Year’s resolutions to pursue, no remains from a party to clean, and no hangover to nurse. I got up this morning and tended to the pets then finished washing the stack of dishes I had given up on last night. One might say the year slipped by me unnoticed. I disagree. I am a firm believer that the human mind can settle into the past or future and miss the moment of life one is living all too easily. Therefore,  364 days out of the year I strive to be present focused; to live mindfully in the moment. Yesterday, I took a break from the present and took stock of the past and looked toward the future and today I feel a bit more reset on my path through life.

While I may not have stayed up to watch the clock pass from the last minute of 2008 to the first minute of 2009, I did commemorate the passing of time in my own way.  I took some time on Dec. 31, 2008 to reflect on the ending year – the challenges, the suprises, the happy moments – and of course, I dabbled in some day dreaming of hopes and expectations for 2009. I decided 2008 had been a calmer year than its recent predecessors- less life changes, more answers to the question marks even a solid plan in life leaves in its wake. Sadly there seemed to be fewer adventures this year than last, as money and time were tighter than usual. And yet in their place was a clearer picture of stability and serenity and more adventures in the not so distant future. I made my annual list of personal criticisms and goals for self-change. On that great scale of immaterial have and have nots, I weighed in heavily on the haves.  I marked the landmark events that I have to anticipate in 2009 in red pen on the calendar. And of course, I anxiously await the unknowns of what 2009 will hold and how it will shape my ever-changing plans in life.

For me, the New Year’s holiday is a time to examine the past and revisit goals for the future. I look at myself as a token piece on a board game. I examine the path I’m on and know this a chance to exchange the cards in my hand, to review my strategy, to pick up my piece and move to a different path if I choose. And then I acknowledge the luck of the draw and the chances that come with rolling the dice.

 

Holiday Jitters

My symptoms started shortly before Thanksgiving and have been gaining strength ever since. It started with a seemingly innocent bowl of Hershey’s kisses in our office. As the kisses began to dwindle, more sweets filled the bowl in their place. Then of course there was the fateful Thanksgiving dinner, which for my family included 4 pies and a batch of persimmon pudding distributed among eight people! Over the three weeks since Thanksgiving, my work place has been in constant supply of fresh, home-made goodies either displayed on our secretary’s desk for the taking or sitting in my box concealed in tidy little packages with notes of holiday cheer and nothing but a flimsy ribbon separating me from the treats within. Alas, it is the holiday season and I am running on sugar and trying not to crash.

A month-long sugar rush in and of itself is survivable with few side-effects. There have been years when I have experienced and truly enjoyed the holidays in a sugar-induced hypo-manic state. However, the confounding effect of the chaos of the holiday season, the end-of-the-year rush, and my propensity of anxiety makes for a jittery holiday season this year. So why don’t I stop eating the sweets you might say – and I agree it would be a wise thing to do. However, I have been roped into sugar at a biological level.

If I go several hours without a bit of something sweet, my blood sugar crashes and on comes the light headedness, fuzzy thinking, weakness in my limbs, and general irritability. So I eat the foil-wrapped chocolate nugget, the cookie, the slice of egg nog bread, the fudge, and I feel an instant buzz through my veins. My thoughts speed up and race ahead causing me to get lost in whatever I am trying to focus on in the moment. My heart pounds and my startle response becomes easily triggered leading me to believe I should be worried about something. And of course, there is plenty to worry over during the holidays; there’s shopping for presents, sending out cards, making food, criticizing myself for eating too much food, traveling, end of the year duties at work, making sweets for work…the list goes on.

And so here I sit – my right leg bobbing like a sewing machine needle and a cup of hot coco nearby – trying to focus on wrapping up this ramble. Of course, this jittery feeling isn’t just about worrying. As a child I remember being wound up for weeks on candy-canes and the excitement of Christmas. The sugar fueled my anticipation of a day when I got to stay in my pajamas, eat my favorite foods and get new toys then travel to my grandparents’ house for more presents and fun with my cousins. I still feel that anticipatory energy flowing through me and building as each sweet week passes between Thanksgiving and Christmas. This time of year is a time of self-indulgence and sharing with others; and sugary treats have become a tried and true means for both. Thus, my sweet holiday jitters are fueled  not just by worries but by the excited anticipation of visiting with family, exchanging gifts, welcomed time off from work, days of lounging around in my PJs, and bundling up to play in the snow.

 

Meeting Morning

The power of defining oneself as “not a morning person” struck me once again at 4am, mountain time as I clung to my covers, twisted and turned from one sleepless position to the next and tried to convince myself that I was not awake. How could I be? It was 4am. Five layers of blankets separating me from the 50 degree house, the warm sleeping cat curled into the crescent sleeping on my side creates, the absolute darkness, the 3 hours my alarm still had to count down before screaming, counting my breathes – none of these things soothed me back to sleep. Something was wrong. At quarter to five I eased myself from the layers of quilts and conceded to wakefulness.

To my surprise the morning hours before sunlight tints the sky are not that bad when not forced to approach them by a relentless alarm and an ever encroaching deadline to leave the house.

I enjoyed a productive, caffeine-free morning. Any other day and the words “productive” “caffeine-free” and “morning” could not truthfully be put together in a sentence that applied to me.  But by 5:30am I was dressed for the day with the pets fed, the dog  let out and back in, and the dishes from last night’s meal done. By 6:30 I had finished breakfast (with water rather than coffee or tea!), wandered around feeling as though I should be rushing to something and after several minutes of finding nothing to rush to, realized that on this particular Monday morning there was nothing left for me to do but relax. I gathered a couple of books to choose from and started toward the couch; it was then that I heard it. I noticed the sound of no music, no clattering from the other room, no one talking, no pets scampering over the hardwood floors.  It was – I believed – quite. Every other living being was asleep behind a closed door. I was alone in a quite house with hours to fill. An excitement I had not felt in months closed in resulting in a giddiness akin to seeing an old friend for the first time in years. I opened my computer and began to write.

And so – after months of neglect – I have a  new post for the blog. On the horizon is a break in my busy schedule when I hope to be able to ramble more frequently. Also new today is a posting on my photoblog at: eyewonders.wordpress.com – check it out and check back here soon!

 

Wrinkles

Glance through any form of media – television, magazines, newspaper ads – and the message is clear: we must take a preemptive strike against aging by using any number of potions, peels, lasers, and surgeries.

A brief story from real life: I visited a department store make-up counter before my wedding last year (note I was 26 then) to pick up the some of the basics for the big day and before I knew it I was being offered anti-aging cream along with another, specialized ointment to address the wrinkles the cosmologist had noticed forming at the corners of my eyes. She went on to warn me about other areas of my face that were gaining crease lines and would turn into wrinkles soon if I did not start on an age-defying skin care regiment. When I declined to purchase any of these magic liniments the cosmologist appeared dumbfounded.

I don’t think her reaction was due to money lost on the sale (since I had not bought make-up in over five years, I had accumulated quite the tab just sticking to foundation, blush, mascara, etc). I think it was my lack of fear that threw her for a loop. After all she had held up a magnifying mirror to point out areas of concern. Couldn’t I see the crease marks? Didn’t I know they’d get worse? 

What is frightening to me is the thought of my body not aging with me; to grow to be a stranger in my own skin. I want some one to look at me  when I am 70 – really look at me – and as I tell my story, see my words reflected by the creases on my face, the cracks and calluses on my hands, the uneven pigment of my skin, the tough soles of my feet, my sagging breasts, and the youthful yet wise gleam in my eyes. I want people to know that I have laughed in the sun many times in my life, that I have squinted, that I have cried, that I have walked barefoot on grass, dirt, and rocks, that I have raised children of my own, and that I am proud. I want people to look at me and see that I have lived a rich life. I want people to look at me when I am 70 and see me. I want people to acknowledge that I’m growing old and  to respect me as an elder.  I want to feel beautiful in my own skin. Along with that, I feel the need to mention that I am terrified of the sun damage I have done to my nose and hope that I get off the hook without skin cancer in 40 years. I’ve learned the importance of keeping my skin hydrated in the arid regions of the southwest I’ve called home and to take care to apply a good slathering of SPF to all visible skin before going outside. However, my concern for my skin as I age stops there.

Some may argue that at 27, I am too young to be writing on the topic of aging; I beg to differ. Cosmetic companies spend a great deal of money on advertisements targeting women in my age group – those women who have not yet begun to show the tell-tale signs of age but who soon will.  If you are wondering why I chose to address aging in relation to women verses men, it’s because American society has created a strong gender bias on the matter. Celebrities are a wonderful illustration of this. As men age, they are often regarded as more dignified, mature, and distinguished and can still be considered attractive, in fact some are regarded as more attractive the older they get. Aging actors still get lead roles: the sex scenes, the action (a few names to prove my point: George Clooney, Sean Connery, Paul Newman). Aging actresses go from leading seductive ladies to the the leading lady’s mothers, the executives, the politicians – ie. the roles without sex appeal; or they simply fade away, appearing in fewer and fewer films (a few more names: Meryl Streep, Susan Surrandon, Glen Close). But it is not just Hollywood that sends this message; a quick look at the marketing demographics for companies selling anti-aging products reveals that it is women, not men, who they expect as customers. And that brings me back to why I – at 27 – have a very valid reason for writing on the topic of aging.

 

The best things go first

If we make time in our busy schedules to enjoy ourselves . . .

This sentence can end one of two ways (1) rationally: If we make time in our busy schedules to enjoy ourselves we will feel more energized, relaxed, and ultimately be more productive and content. (2) the catch-22: If we make time in our busy schedules to enjoy ourselves we feel guilty for not attending to “more important things” and worry that we won’t have enough time to get things done.

Since my husband and I moved to town three months ago I have found many justifications for my lack of getting out to explore the plethora of surrounding mountain peaks, passes, and valleys. Namely that I’ve busied myself with as much work as the company I am a “causal worker” for could offer or when not working, I’ve been overwhelmed with self-imposed guilt for working less than part time. That is not to say that I have been wasting my work-free time.  This June my husband and I relocated from several hundred miles away, so I spent a good month making our rental property feel like home and then figuring out where I’d put various odds and ends in the fluster of unpacking. Then there were the daily tasks – such as banking, washing the dog, calling customer service lines and waiting on hold, registering vehicles, changing and washing bed linens – that usually make up a never-ending to do list; only I had time to get them them done. Which reminds me of an interesting article I came across on CNN.com about a growing trend of stay-at-home wives (not moms). After having the chance to take care of all the errands, phone calls, house maintenance, and even cooking good, complete meals without the added demands of a job, I can agree with the couples interviewed in the article that my being home took a layer stress off of the marital relationship. Evenings were a time to unwind not take care of household business. However, I happen to be one of those individuals whose productivity increases in direct proportion to the demands placed upon me. In other words, working is good for me. Staying home is not. I found that as items got crossed of my to-do list (which never ended), my wish-list of places to hike and bike grew with little accomplished. It didn’t take long before leaving the house to do anything for myself seemed unreasonable, selfish even. I mean, if I didn’t have full-time job should I really be allowed to go wondering into the mountains for a day of bliss?

I plunged into a state of tunnel vision, fixated on the stress of unsteady employment; blocking out the fact that the bills were getting paid, my husband kept saying I should get out and enjoy my time, that I’m still in grad school and will soon be working for 30 hours a week as an unpaid intern and won’t have free time to fret about. Yes, all of these sparkling details failed to enter my mind. Instead my summer explorations sunk into a pool of dismal, listless thoughts.

Why is it that people tend to give up what they enjoy most, the things they find solace in, the things they call fun, when stress strikes? Studies show time and time again that indulging in the little things that bring you joy is one of the best ways to counter stress and depression. In fact, a popular homework assignment given to clients in cognitive behavioral therapy is called “pleasant events scheduling.” There is no secret to it; this highly effective therapeutic treatment boils down to taking time to do something enjoyable which can range from taking a hot bath to allowing yourself 30 minutes of reading the newspaper while still in your pajamas on a Sunday morning. Yet people pay big-bucks to therapists for such a prescription. After all, if they have to have fun in the name of therapy it’s okay, right?

So here I am, nearing the end of my ramble with biting sarcasm and faced with a sobering question: why have I allowed my justifications, fears, and stress to take over my fun and perpetuate negativity? I’m a therapist, I should know better!

The good news: I couldn’t come up with an answer to the above question, so after staring at the screen for several minutes trying figure out how to end this post, I hit “save,” closed my laptop and picked up my hiking guide to the San Juans.

Keep a checking in, I should have pictures (and commentary of course) to post after my hike tomorrow.

P.S. Went for a lovely bike ride this evening on a trail I hadn’t been on before. 30 minutes of fun for myself.