Holiday Jitters

My symptoms started shortly before Thanksgiving and have been gaining strength ever since. It started with a seemingly innocent bowl of Hershey’s kisses in our office. As the kisses began to dwindle, more sweets filled the bowl in their place. Then of course there was the fateful Thanksgiving dinner, which for my family included 4 pies and a batch of persimmon pudding distributed among eight people! Over the three weeks since Thanksgiving, my work place has been in constant supply of fresh, home-made goodies either displayed on our secretary’s desk for the taking or sitting in my box concealed in tidy little packages with notes of holiday cheer and nothing but a flimsy ribbon separating me from the treats within. Alas, it is the holiday season and I am running on sugar and trying not to crash.

A month-long sugar rush in and of itself is survivable with few side-effects. There have been years when I have experienced and truly enjoyed the holidays in a sugar-induced hypo-manic state. However, the confounding effect of the chaos of the holiday season, the end-of-the-year rush, and my propensity of anxiety makes for a jittery holiday season this year. So why don’t I stop eating the sweets you might say – and I agree it would be a wise thing to do. However, I have been roped into sugar at a biological level.

If I go several hours without a bit of something sweet, my blood sugar crashes and on comes the light headedness, fuzzy thinking, weakness in my limbs, and general irritability. So I eat the foil-wrapped chocolate nugget, the cookie, the slice of egg nog bread, the fudge, and I feel an instant buzz through my veins. My thoughts speed up and race ahead causing me to get lost in whatever I am trying to focus on in the moment. My heart pounds and my startle response becomes easily triggered leading me to believe I should be worried about something. And of course, there is plenty to worry over during the holidays; there’s shopping for presents, sending out cards, making food, criticizing myself for eating too much food, traveling, end of the year duties at work, making sweets for work…the list goes on.

And so here I sit – my right leg bobbing like a sewing machine needle and a cup of hot coco nearby – trying to focus on wrapping up this ramble. Of course, this jittery feeling isn’t just about worrying. As a child I remember being wound up for weeks on candy-canes and the excitement of Christmas. The sugar fueled my anticipation of a day when I got to stay in my pajamas, eat my favorite foods and get new toys then travel to my grandparents’ house for more presents and fun with my cousins. I still feel that anticipatory energy flowing through me and building as each sweet week passes between Thanksgiving and Christmas. This time of year is a time of self-indulgence and sharing with others; and sugary treats have become a tried and true means for both. Thus, my sweet holiday jitters are fueled  not just by worries but by the excited anticipation of visiting with family, exchanging gifts, welcomed time off from work, days of lounging around in my PJs, and bundling up to play in the snow.

 

A measure of nerves and nails

About a month ago I broke a nail for the first time in years. And I’ll have you know that when that bit of nail ripped off it exposed a very sensitive patch of skin just beneath my fingertip and I suddenly understood why breaking a nail is such a big deal. After I finished nursing my finger, I stared at my hands and realized the nine remaining nails were quite long and inexplicably smooth. It didn’t seem quite right, so I gave my hands a second scan and sure enough, white tips extended over the rounded skin capping my fingers. I stared for a while longer pondering how this had come to be and further lamenting my broken nail because if not for it, I would having started digging through my archaic selection of nail polish for the perfect color with which to celebrate. Now I would have to wait at least a week and hope I didn’t break another nail.

This morning I gave my fingernails a quick trim and filed down some rough edges. I’m thinking I might go with a shimmering torquise but also like the idea of keeping it plain and versitle with a warm brown that will also hide the dirt that keeps getting caught under my nails. I’m still a bit clumsy if my nails get too long; opening a can of soda can be tricky, as can typing. How do secretaries with half-inch nails do it? That remains as mysterious to me as women who can walk in silettoes for hours and get up and put on another pair the next day. For my own sake, I stick to flip-flops and try to keep my nails trimmed even with the tips of my fingers; but the nail upkeep is all so new. Taking the time to trim and file still feels like a strange weekly addition to my hygiene routine but  I just don’t have the nerves to bite them anymore.

After over a decade of nail biting and futile attempts break the habit, it simply disappeared without any thought or effort. So what changed?  Most notably changes in where I live and what I do, which have slowed down daily life to a pace of living I find more comfortable.

This morning after my nails were trimmed, I went out front to water my flower bed and struggling tomato, pepper, and squash plants. When finished, I watched three humming birds chase each other around the feeder and through the tree. I was so close to them that I could see the multiple shades of green on their heads, the 3 cm wide fuchsia band on the male’s throat, even their feet. I didn’t know humming birds had feet. On the other side of the yard, I watched as my golden retriever toss himself from left to right, belly-up with a stick in his mouth getting in a good back scratch in the sun. “This is my life,” I thought, and felt a smile spread across my face.  Back inside, I sat with my coffee and a magazine and let my mind wander over tentative plans to run the river and go for a bike ride today. Plenty of time and little pressure to do both.  Being able to take time to have fun and not feel like I should be doing something else – that has helped my nails grow.

I also like to think that I’m doing a better job of managing the stress that is still around, mostly by practicing mindfulness but also acceptance and an assortment of strategies that I often suggest my clients try but have only recently tried myself.  Every day I working on taking deep breathes, acknowledging and accepting that I can only do one thing at a time, not thinking too far beyond the present, looking for the little things that calm me, letting go of what I can’t control, and most importantly finding quiet moments to sit and be still.

Thus I’ve reach the real point of this ramble – my nails are one measure of many that show that I have started to shed stress and anxiety that I have carried with me for many years. And that I have done so and noticed it through the simple things that so often get forgotten in the rush of daily life.